Haven't posted in awhile. Life has been hectic. Marriage has been very strained. Life has been stressful and I've been quite unhappy. I know sometimes life throws you curve balls. But I truly did not see this one coming. So today is Christmas. Usually a happy time, but here it is not.
Boundaries. Ah yes. Those things most children learn and learn to respect in themselves. But, those of us who have been abused do not typically have healthy boundaries. For many, it is a loss of boundaries and the inability to stand up for oneself when needed. I've been there before. I've gotten much better at that. And, I can stand up even to my family. That is new for me.
However, I also have set some pretty strong boundaries sexually. Given my history, this is very confusing. Are these boundaries okay? Can I set my own? What if my spouse disagrees? Questions, questions, questions.
It seems that sex and sexuality will always be a confusing arena for me. In some ways, I just want to shut it off. In other ways, I'm mad that this is still an issue and want to be successful (whatever that means).
So, right now I don't know how the marriage will work out. Seems that after 27 years you would have figured out what you could handle and what you could not. But, here we are. Stress is high, very high. Unhappiness is the theme of the day. Oh that the new year would bring happiness my way again.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Rose-colored glasses
It is said that we don't get to choose our family, but we get to choose our friends. Hmmm. If we finally come to the realization that we were nothing to our family, pawns, tokens, in their lives, then are we still subject to that same notion? I think not. It's a hard realization that someone thinks or thought so little of you that they would not protect you, would not believe you when you said there was something wrong, or even when you said in no uncertain terms what was going on, could not fathom the concept that someone would abuse you?
Personally, I've had rose-colored glasses for many years. I wanted to believe that my family loved me and had they known, would have protected me. How foolish that was. I guess I needed to believe that to survive. But it is different now.
Things have gotten very out of hand and the stresses with family are more extreme. Why? Because I am saying the truth and they are saying "I didn't know" or "I don't remember". My mother is wanting me to be like her, no boundaries, let everyone else determine what happens in your life. Well, NO!
Recently, had a conversation with my mother that was one-sided (mine) and heated, because I had already been betrayed. I said in no uncertain terms that her handling of recent events took me back to childhood where she did not protect me. Her response - How was I to know? HELLO??? Who was the adult in this situation? Not me.
Anyway, I told her to leave me alone for awhile. If she loved me, she would do this. Do not call, give me time. You can write, but that is all. And I left. Hard to do to a woman who is frail because of chemotherapy and years of not taking care of herself. But, I did it. And I doubted myself later. Why? Because moms are supposed to be good, so mine must be, right?
So how did she handle this? She called and left a message on my cell that " maybe we could start over again". What???? Did I not say to leave me alone for awhile? Is this not the ultimate disrespect to me? She will never understand. And I guess I will have to figure out how much I will allow her to influence my life. I can tell you now that that level has decreased significantly.
The reality of the true actions of family during the times of abuse are very hard to handle. My rose-colored glasses have been lost. And it is very sad.
Personally, I've had rose-colored glasses for many years. I wanted to believe that my family loved me and had they known, would have protected me. How foolish that was. I guess I needed to believe that to survive. But it is different now.
Things have gotten very out of hand and the stresses with family are more extreme. Why? Because I am saying the truth and they are saying "I didn't know" or "I don't remember". My mother is wanting me to be like her, no boundaries, let everyone else determine what happens in your life. Well, NO!
Recently, had a conversation with my mother that was one-sided (mine) and heated, because I had already been betrayed. I said in no uncertain terms that her handling of recent events took me back to childhood where she did not protect me. Her response - How was I to know? HELLO??? Who was the adult in this situation? Not me.
Anyway, I told her to leave me alone for awhile. If she loved me, she would do this. Do not call, give me time. You can write, but that is all. And I left. Hard to do to a woman who is frail because of chemotherapy and years of not taking care of herself. But, I did it. And I doubted myself later. Why? Because moms are supposed to be good, so mine must be, right?
So how did she handle this? She called and left a message on my cell that " maybe we could start over again". What???? Did I not say to leave me alone for awhile? Is this not the ultimate disrespect to me? She will never understand. And I guess I will have to figure out how much I will allow her to influence my life. I can tell you now that that level has decreased significantly.
The reality of the true actions of family during the times of abuse are very hard to handle. My rose-colored glasses have been lost. And it is very sad.
Monday, June 6, 2011
"The road is long
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where
Who knows when
But I'm strong
Strong enough to carry
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
So on we go
His welfare is of my concern
No burden is he to bear
We'll get there
For I know
He would not encumber me
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
If I'm laden at all
I'm laden with sadness
That everyone's heart
Isn't filled with the gladness
Of love for one another
It's a long, long road
From which there is no return
While we're on the way to there
Why not share
And the load
Doesn't weigh me down at all
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
He's my brother
He ain't heavy, he's my brother..."
I remember this song from the 70's. The Hollies sang it and probably other groups too. Think about this my sisters. Because we reach out to each other, because we share the burdens, we can make it through this long and winding road. Just sharing your point of view, your journey, can help others know how to make it. Let's all open up our hearts and find a way to help ours sisters. Some days, we all need help. You aren't a burden. Together we can carry you Sister!
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where
Who knows when
But I'm strong
Strong enough to carry
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
So on we go
His welfare is of my concern
No burden is he to bear
We'll get there
For I know
He would not encumber me
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
If I'm laden at all
I'm laden with sadness
That everyone's heart
Isn't filled with the gladness
Of love for one another
It's a long, long road
From which there is no return
While we're on the way to there
Why not share
And the load
Doesn't weigh me down at all
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
He's my brother
He ain't heavy, he's my brother..."
I remember this song from the 70's. The Hollies sang it and probably other groups too. Think about this my sisters. Because we reach out to each other, because we share the burdens, we can make it through this long and winding road. Just sharing your point of view, your journey, can help others know how to make it. Let's all open up our hearts and find a way to help ours sisters. Some days, we all need help. You aren't a burden. Together we can carry you Sister!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Mother's Day
Is there a way to celebrate Mother's Day for mothers who don't know how to mother. For mother's who continually need attention. Attention that requires too much from you.
For the first time in my life, I yelled at my mother. Well, actually, my spouse would say I raised my voice. But that is a lot for me. Why did I do this? Because she was defending the man in her life over me and my son. Hmmmm.... sound familiar?
She cannot handle the fact that I do not want to interact at all with her boyfriend who has gone against my husband's and my wishes and has attempted to usurp our authority. I will be visiting up north, with the primary goal of visiting family that is closer to normal, and will possibly spend time with my immediate family. My mother is upset because I will not come to her house if her boyfriend is there or go anywhere with him. She is so upset that she is telling everyone one and gaining some sympathy. I can tell because I have actually gotten a letter from my mother's sister telling me to "have it in my CHRISTIAN heart to forgive".
Obviously, neither of them get the picture. Forgiveness is not the issue. Why would I subject myself and my son to someone who only cares about themselves. My mother and her boyfriend both fit that picture. Why would I continue to expose my child to this poison?
Why after all these years, is it not surprising to me that my mother would choose to defend the man in her life. She did not choose to side with me. She chose to believe that my son was a liar and I was obviously crazy for believing that her boyfriend was the problem. When I was a child, she cose to pretend there was not problem and did not protect me. Hmmm...
Well as Bill Engvall would say "Oh, Wake up!" Even though I did not know what it was to be protected by my mother I will protect my own son! That is a guarantee. Even though I did not stand up for myself when I was younger, I will stand up now and say "enough is enough". Screw you family. I will move on and find a way to live my life.
Mother's Day....No, I did not get a call from her on Mother's Day, even though I am a mother too. Well, I didn't talk to her for almost a month. And when I did, I had a lot to say. And she continued to defend her boyfriend. Is there a future for us? I don't think so. But it sure is hard to walk away from an old woman knowing that your acts will cause her much pain. Yes, it is long overdue. But it is still hard.
For the first time in my life, I yelled at my mother. Well, actually, my spouse would say I raised my voice. But that is a lot for me. Why did I do this? Because she was defending the man in her life over me and my son. Hmmmm.... sound familiar?
She cannot handle the fact that I do not want to interact at all with her boyfriend who has gone against my husband's and my wishes and has attempted to usurp our authority. I will be visiting up north, with the primary goal of visiting family that is closer to normal, and will possibly spend time with my immediate family. My mother is upset because I will not come to her house if her boyfriend is there or go anywhere with him. She is so upset that she is telling everyone one and gaining some sympathy. I can tell because I have actually gotten a letter from my mother's sister telling me to "have it in my CHRISTIAN heart to forgive".
Obviously, neither of them get the picture. Forgiveness is not the issue. Why would I subject myself and my son to someone who only cares about themselves. My mother and her boyfriend both fit that picture. Why would I continue to expose my child to this poison?
Why after all these years, is it not surprising to me that my mother would choose to defend the man in her life. She did not choose to side with me. She chose to believe that my son was a liar and I was obviously crazy for believing that her boyfriend was the problem. When I was a child, she cose to pretend there was not problem and did not protect me. Hmmm...
Well as Bill Engvall would say "Oh, Wake up!" Even though I did not know what it was to be protected by my mother I will protect my own son! That is a guarantee. Even though I did not stand up for myself when I was younger, I will stand up now and say "enough is enough". Screw you family. I will move on and find a way to live my life.
Mother's Day....No, I did not get a call from her on Mother's Day, even though I am a mother too. Well, I didn't talk to her for almost a month. And when I did, I had a lot to say. And she continued to defend her boyfriend. Is there a future for us? I don't think so. But it sure is hard to walk away from an old woman knowing that your acts will cause her much pain. Yes, it is long overdue. But it is still hard.
Friday, April 29, 2011
The Next Part of the Journey
Truth seems to come at us a bit at a time. So, she was more interested in protecting her interests than her daughters. So, what does that mean to me as an adult. Do I keep the wall up...or do I pretend that I need a mom. She sold me out! She knew what was happening at least in part, so what do I owe her? Seems like I think I owe her something because she is my mother. But the truth is, she didn't protect me as a mother does, she did not act like a mother, she expected me to take care of her. So where does that leave us?
She's still around. She still wants attention. She doesn't remember selling me out for the abuser. She just remembers the good side. She loves me. But, do I love her. And if I do, how do I love her?
She's still around. She still wants attention. She doesn't remember selling me out for the abuser. She just remembers the good side. She loves me. But, do I love her. And if I do, how do I love her?
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Girl Friends
Well, I went to visit with the girlfriends. Now, they were friends in college that I hadn't seen in 30 years. They weren't my best friends. They had been in classes with me and in clubs. They had seen some of each other over the years, but I had not seen any of them. So, while I felt that my idea of getting together to visit with this sick friend was a good idea, I was also anxious.
But, things went well. We got along fabulously. And I found that over time I could be real. They were not interested in playing a good face of the perfect Christian. They were interested in being real. So while one shared of the heart ache of birthing dead children and the other shared of aging parents and their problems, I shared of my childhood and the drama therein. I shared for awhile and stopped. And asked if that was too much. They were interested and not at all put off by my imperfectness. I could not have done this 30 years ago while attending college. But I was able to do this now. They were receptive, not put off. I was accepted, as an imperfect person who had struggled because of abuse. But I was accepted as a born again Christian, just like them. My struggles were foreign to them, but not beyond that which our God can forgive and repair. Wow. I could not have anticipated better.
And further, we were able to talk about real life now. Grown women and their needs for conversation and sharing and communion together. I was encouraged to find some other Christian women, not condemned, encouraged. I know that when I share my experiences as I journey this path, I will be encouraged by these friends. I am encouraged already. I have friends, long distance though they be, they do care about he real me and they want me to succeed as a Christian, as a woman, as an Overcomer. Wow. Sometimes, I am surprised by the human factor. God is good. Talk to you later sisters!
But, things went well. We got along fabulously. And I found that over time I could be real. They were not interested in playing a good face of the perfect Christian. They were interested in being real. So while one shared of the heart ache of birthing dead children and the other shared of aging parents and their problems, I shared of my childhood and the drama therein. I shared for awhile and stopped. And asked if that was too much. They were interested and not at all put off by my imperfectness. I could not have done this 30 years ago while attending college. But I was able to do this now. They were receptive, not put off. I was accepted, as an imperfect person who had struggled because of abuse. But I was accepted as a born again Christian, just like them. My struggles were foreign to them, but not beyond that which our God can forgive and repair. Wow. I could not have anticipated better.
And further, we were able to talk about real life now. Grown women and their needs for conversation and sharing and communion together. I was encouraged to find some other Christian women, not condemned, encouraged. I know that when I share my experiences as I journey this path, I will be encouraged by these friends. I am encouraged already. I have friends, long distance though they be, they do care about he real me and they want me to succeed as a Christian, as a woman, as an Overcomer. Wow. Sometimes, I am surprised by the human factor. God is good. Talk to you later sisters!
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Old Friends and New
I'm heading off to visit with a college friend who has been ill. Two other friends will be joining us. We haven't been together since the early 80's. So much has changed since then. But I feel a bond that was there so many years ago. BUT, here's the problem. Back then, I did not talk about my abuse. It was a secret I kept well hid. I didn't know how to deal with it then, but I do now. So, do I share this with my friends?
I guess we'll have to see the level of honesty and openness that develops with us. All of us have had ups and downs, difficulties and victories, some things have happened that we could never have imagined. Can we trust and share? I guess that remains to be seen. I shall hold my peace and share if it is appropriate.
I think there are those who can handle that level of honesty and those who cannot. Discerning this can be difficult. As an abuse overcomer, I am learning to trust more and be open with others. Fear still jumps in there sometimes. But there is some level of caution that is necessary when sharing my past. So that is where the struggle lies. I am tempted to say nothing. But in a way that is denying myself with these friends. I guess I will have to trust my heart, my instincts and my faith. Hmmmm. Isn't that what a healthy, healed individual does?
I guess we'll have to see the level of honesty and openness that develops with us. All of us have had ups and downs, difficulties and victories, some things have happened that we could never have imagined. Can we trust and share? I guess that remains to be seen. I shall hold my peace and share if it is appropriate.
I think there are those who can handle that level of honesty and those who cannot. Discerning this can be difficult. As an abuse overcomer, I am learning to trust more and be open with others. Fear still jumps in there sometimes. But there is some level of caution that is necessary when sharing my past. So that is where the struggle lies. I am tempted to say nothing. But in a way that is denying myself with these friends. I guess I will have to trust my heart, my instincts and my faith. Hmmmm. Isn't that what a healthy, healed individual does?
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Family History (and Future)
Busy again. A busy mind and a busy life. I've been working on a family history album. Not a history that includes my abuser. A history of the more healthy, normal side of the family. I've enjoyed it but I'm glad I've put a book together and put it aside for awhile. It can be very consuming.
It was also somewhat sad as well. I have often felt disconnected from family. Mostly I believe because I was disconnected from myself. Now I am much more in touch with me and I guess not sure about connecting with this extended family. I have been watching from afar most of my life I think.
Let me tell you a bit about them. My birth father died when I was a baby. He had five sisters - three older and two younger. All of these women have been career women with college degrees, several with at least two degrees. They have been achievers. They have been strong women. They have been independent women who were also deeply connected to each other and their own families and friends. And spiritual women, though maybe not in the same way I think of spirituality. The oldest was very involved in my life during my childhood and young adult life when I lived in the same area as her. She was always encouraging me to go to college, to achieve. The next two sisters lived out of state so I did not see much of them. I do know that one was a PE teacher back when that was uncommon for women and cheerleading coach. The next younger sister became a social worker and is now a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. The youngest was an elementary teacher, then HS teacher and now teaches at a Community College.
They are fine examples for me. This is not the example set by my own mother. Like many of you, my sisters, your mother was weak and helpless and you suffered for it. It's difficult to be strong when this is your example in life. So, I am very thankful that I have others to look up to and follow after. I have done that successfully.
When I started doing the family history, I told myself it was because I wanted to update what my oldest aunt had done back in the 70's and 80's. While that is true, I feel like I have learned so much about the family. I have gotten in touch with an aunt I haven't seen since I was a child and talked to a cousin I haven't seen since then as well. I've spoken more often to the two younger aunts than I have in years. It has been a great experience. For part of the family history book, I asked the surviving sisters, the youngest 3, to write memories of the family that had passed on. The stories about my own father brought tears to my eyes. They still do. The youngest two remember their big brother very fondly and both stated the family was never the same after his death. I admit it did cause me to grieve a bit about what I never had, the father I never got to know.
Everyone I gave a copy of the book I created was pleased. Some overwhelmed with emotion. My aunts have connected with my husband and are planning a big girl's get together this summer. They wanted to fly me up there, but he said he would and they could plan a trip to the City. So that will be coming up in June. I look forward to it, but am anxious as well. How will I handle it? I'm hoping I will be able to open up and let them in. And let some healing occur. Let some bonds become more firm.
Time will tell. I've got to get my mind set. What wonderful experiences are waiting for me?
It was also somewhat sad as well. I have often felt disconnected from family. Mostly I believe because I was disconnected from myself. Now I am much more in touch with me and I guess not sure about connecting with this extended family. I have been watching from afar most of my life I think.
Let me tell you a bit about them. My birth father died when I was a baby. He had five sisters - three older and two younger. All of these women have been career women with college degrees, several with at least two degrees. They have been achievers. They have been strong women. They have been independent women who were also deeply connected to each other and their own families and friends. And spiritual women, though maybe not in the same way I think of spirituality. The oldest was very involved in my life during my childhood and young adult life when I lived in the same area as her. She was always encouraging me to go to college, to achieve. The next two sisters lived out of state so I did not see much of them. I do know that one was a PE teacher back when that was uncommon for women and cheerleading coach. The next younger sister became a social worker and is now a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. The youngest was an elementary teacher, then HS teacher and now teaches at a Community College.
They are fine examples for me. This is not the example set by my own mother. Like many of you, my sisters, your mother was weak and helpless and you suffered for it. It's difficult to be strong when this is your example in life. So, I am very thankful that I have others to look up to and follow after. I have done that successfully.
When I started doing the family history, I told myself it was because I wanted to update what my oldest aunt had done back in the 70's and 80's. While that is true, I feel like I have learned so much about the family. I have gotten in touch with an aunt I haven't seen since I was a child and talked to a cousin I haven't seen since then as well. I've spoken more often to the two younger aunts than I have in years. It has been a great experience. For part of the family history book, I asked the surviving sisters, the youngest 3, to write memories of the family that had passed on. The stories about my own father brought tears to my eyes. They still do. The youngest two remember their big brother very fondly and both stated the family was never the same after his death. I admit it did cause me to grieve a bit about what I never had, the father I never got to know.
Everyone I gave a copy of the book I created was pleased. Some overwhelmed with emotion. My aunts have connected with my husband and are planning a big girl's get together this summer. They wanted to fly me up there, but he said he would and they could plan a trip to the City. So that will be coming up in June. I look forward to it, but am anxious as well. How will I handle it? I'm hoping I will be able to open up and let them in. And let some healing occur. Let some bonds become more firm.
Time will tell. I've got to get my mind set. What wonderful experiences are waiting for me?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)