It is said that we don't get to choose our family, but we get to choose our friends. Hmmm. If we finally come to the realization that we were nothing to our family, pawns, tokens, in their lives, then are we still subject to that same notion? I think not. It's a hard realization that someone thinks or thought so little of you that they would not protect you, would not believe you when you said there was something wrong, or even when you said in no uncertain terms what was going on, could not fathom the concept that someone would abuse you?
Personally, I've had rose-colored glasses for many years. I wanted to believe that my family loved me and had they known, would have protected me. How foolish that was. I guess I needed to believe that to survive. But it is different now.
Things have gotten very out of hand and the stresses with family are more extreme. Why? Because I am saying the truth and they are saying "I didn't know" or "I don't remember". My mother is wanting me to be like her, no boundaries, let everyone else determine what happens in your life. Well, NO!
Recently, had a conversation with my mother that was one-sided (mine) and heated, because I had already been betrayed. I said in no uncertain terms that her handling of recent events took me back to childhood where she did not protect me. Her response - How was I to know? HELLO??? Who was the adult in this situation? Not me.
Anyway, I told her to leave me alone for awhile. If she loved me, she would do this. Do not call, give me time. You can write, but that is all. And I left. Hard to do to a woman who is frail because of chemotherapy and years of not taking care of herself. But, I did it. And I doubted myself later. Why? Because moms are supposed to be good, so mine must be, right?
So how did she handle this? She called and left a message on my cell that " maybe we could start over again". What???? Did I not say to leave me alone for awhile? Is this not the ultimate disrespect to me? She will never understand. And I guess I will have to figure out how much I will allow her to influence my life. I can tell you now that that level has decreased significantly.
The reality of the true actions of family during the times of abuse are very hard to handle. My rose-colored glasses have been lost. And it is very sad.
