The Doormat

I don't remember when it began. I was quite young. But I do remember the night that I knew I was on my own, that no one would protect me. I think I was six.

What happens to a child when they know that a monster is after them and wants to harm them and no one will help them. They try to hide but cannot. So they hide inside themselves.

I don't know when I began to do this. But trying to hide the pain and keeping the secret were all consuming. I began to feel like keeping the family happy was my responsibility. My burden. The threats that I receiving from stepdad also helped burden me with unbearable responsibility. "If you tell, then mom will be mad at me" or "She'll divorce me and it will be your fault" and the motherlode "I'll kill myself and everyone will be unhappy and it will be your fault." Much, much more than I could bear. Than I should have been made to bear for I was only a child.

So, I learned my place in my family. I was the doormat, my feelings, my reality, my entire being not worthy of mention and certainly not worthy of the family's attention. Meant to be used, abused and forgotten. And so it was...

The Doormat

Treads come undone,
No repair is made.
Torn, tattered and ignored.
Cleaned up superficially,
So to be seen by the world.
Outside presentable.
Bring no attention or disgrace.
Foundation not lain.
Empty inside.
No strength to protect,
But always there to be used.
Value unknown.
Not cared for by most,
Ignored by the rest.
Walked on, used, abused and
Thrown away.

Some things in childhood stick with you for life. These things are such a part of you that zometimes you don't even know where they came from. It's that way with childhood abuse. You have to adapt to survive. You lose sight of yourself for awhile. For some it may be forever. You add on these characteristics, these appendages of sorts, and act the way others expect you to act. The secret makes that necessary. You have to pretend everything is all right. So, hiding your true self becomes easy. Your inner self can get lost under all those years of survival and adaptation.

Then, as an adult you continue to run the game the way you have been. Funny, that even though you have long been out of the abuse situation and may even be far from family, you still act the way you programmed yourself to act. If and when you are around family, you definitely continue to act that way because that is who you were around them and that is what they expect.

At some time, as you begin to heal, you realize that your're not happy with that. You realize you don't even really know yourself. Maybe it's that empty feeling inside that keeps gnawing away at you. You know that you want something different and you begin to tear off layers and layers of these appendages you've added. You begin to discover yourself. And part of that is discovering who you were, what your identity was in your family.

As you try to make changes in yourself, you may find, as I did, that others don't want you to change. They like things the way they always have been. But, change anyway. You owe it to yourself to be you. But don't be surprised when your family and maybe even friends don't adapt with you.

"Taking off the old and putting on the new" requires guts. Be patient with yourself. You have to try it on for size. It takes practice. But you can do it. You are worth every ounce of energy it takes. TTFN

Step One

Why is that sometimes we don't do important things, things we feel an internal urge to do, until a hurtful or catastrophic event occurs? That's the way it is with me sometimes. I mean well, but get too busy with life, family, work...

This blog is to be about my journey through healing of sexual abuse. It is my way of standing up for myself, my inner child. It is my way of defending the defenseless. It is my way of reaching out to others in pain. In some small way I wish to help others heal, while I continue my own journey of healing.

As with any journey, the most difficult part is the first step. So here is my first step in blogging. Opening up my mouth to tell my story has never been easy. Like many others who have suffered through childhood abuse, threats were commonly used to maintain the silence and secrecy. It has taken a long time to be able to talk, though my abuser has long since been dead. Some habits are hard to change. Though I feel stronger each time I talk about the abuse I remain cautious about whom I talk with because others don't necessary understand. Friends and family alike fall into this category. We cannot be healed if we just believe that was in the past it's time to move on. We must open up and share. For me the sharing has occured little by little over time. Most recently, working with an excellent trained counselor has made all the difference. Opening up has helped me release so much pain that has been buried for so long. It has been the most freeing experience of my life. I would encourage everyone out there who has suffered some form of abuse, particularly those of you who have been sexually abused to find someone to talk to...a friend might be able to handle what you share, but I would recommend a trained counselor. No matter what you choose, just open up and begin to let the poison out so healing can begin. I believe God sent me to the right person and he will lead you too if you will just ask. God Bless.