The same theme goes over in my mind again and again.  How do I learn to love myself enough?  When others call upon me to give up myself over and over....my mother wanting me to save her from death in a nursing home....as if I could....my own husband wanting me to make everything okay sexually,....even though there is no response from him.  

My friend came to visit 2 months ago.  She has finally learned how to love herself enough to lose weight so she would be able to see her grandchildren.  She has learned to love herself enough.  Granted, she did not suffer abuse like I have, but she has much to offer me.

No matter what happens in others... I need to love me.  That was not the case in my childhood.  My stepfather abused to his own delight.  My own mother was busy in her own world...not paying attention to what was going on around her.  even when the signs were there she chose not to pay attention.  Now she wants me to save her from death in a nursing home.  You've got to be kidding me.  Not only can I not do that,....I don't have the energy to care anymore.  I can't even call her back to talk to her without feeling like I am abandoning myself. 

So how do I love myself?  Day by day it is a journey.  Day by day I need to care about my health so that I can be part of my son's life as he ages.  No matter what my husband is going through, I need to be able to be part of my son's life and continue my own life in a healthy way.  Ahhhh...such work to be done.