Words

Words have power. They bring life and death. You can destroy your children or your marriage with words as you most certainly can build them up and bring healing. The Amplified translation of the Bible says "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it and indulge it will eat its fruit and bear the consequences of their words." Another translation...."What you say can preserve life or destroy it; so you must accept the consequences." Proverbs 18:21

Those who have had troubled or traumatic childhoods have most likely reaped the result of words of adults that were knowingly or unknowingly meant to destroy.  I was threatened on multiple occasions to keep "the secret" or else...and all results of not keeping that secret would be my responsibility. That was much too much for a child to bear. 

So I learned to keep those words deep inside. As I grew up, I continued to struggle voicing my own words. Shame helped keep them inside as well. Through a rough, verbally abusive marriage, I continued to keep those words hidden. Oh I did try to voice them, but was put down or just told that that wasn't true. Don't get me wrong, I was a "successful" professional who used her words carefully to bring truth and life to many children and their families. Most friends were kept at a safe distance and never truly knew me. But the real truth, my truth, my words, my story....that has remained largely hidden. 

But I truly believe God is giving me the courage to use my voice, my story, to bless others. So I'm on this journey to do just that. Fear has already tried to stop me, even shame has tried to lift it's ugly head against me, but I will speak of His love, His redemption and His absolute healing, because He loves us so. What he can do for me, and has done for me, He can and will do for you if you simply ask and trust Him. 

Blessings to all in the name of our Lord Jesus. 

My Voice

  I started this blog over ten years ago. I don't really recognize the woman who wrote those older notes. But, that's a good thing! But there has been much healing over these years. Since then, my husband died a painful death, our marriage had disintegrated greatly by then. My son graduated college and moved to a foreign country. I retired, bought an RV, traveled extensively, wrote my story and many poems too and settled in California. There's lots more to that story for another day. 

The most significant change has been the depth of my relationship with Jesus. Not a religion, a relationship. A daily walking and talking and listening relationship. I've finally begun to realize how much He really loves me and I've allowed Him access to the deepest parts of my soul and spirit. The result is an incredible amount of healing, freedom to become the best me , freedom to love myself and others at a deeper level, joy and peace. That last one has been a long time coming.

I feel an intense desire to know Him more intimately, hear Him well, and walk with Him anew in ways I've not known before. I'm on a cross country journey right now, partly to visit elderly family. But I believe this journey is about spiritual growth more than anything. The Lord has told me it's about finding my voice again. Learning to speak out His truth and how it has changed my life so miraculously, thus becoming My truth. 

So here's to a fresh new journey. I look forward with great anticipation to see what the Lord has in store for me. And I invite you along for the ride. 

Blessings to all. 

The same theme goes over in my mind again and again.  How do I learn to love myself enough?  When others call upon me to give up myself over and over....my mother wanting me to save her from death in a nursing home....as if I could....my own husband wanting me to make everything okay sexually,....even though there is no response from him.  

My friend came to visit 2 months ago.  She has finally learned how to love herself enough to lose weight so she would be able to see her grandchildren.  She has learned to love herself enough.  Granted, she did not suffer abuse like I have, but she has much to offer me.

No matter what happens in others... I need to love me.  That was not the case in my childhood.  My stepfather abused to his own delight.  My own mother was busy in her own world...not paying attention to what was going on around her.  even when the signs were there she chose not to pay attention.  Now she wants me to save her from death in a nursing home.  You've got to be kidding me.  Not only can I not do that,....I don't have the energy to care anymore.  I can't even call her back to talk to her without feeling like I am abandoning myself. 

So how do I love myself?  Day by day it is a journey.  Day by day I need to care about my health so that I can be part of my son's life as he ages.  No matter what my husband is going through, I need to be able to be part of my son's life and continue my own life in a healthy way.  Ahhhh...such work to be done.

Lovers

Once again, life has been busy.  And sometimes we tend to forget what is really important in life.  I've been surviving, but not overcoming for awhile.  My spouse has been struggling physically with severe pain and between that and the meds to control that he is difficult to live with.  I have been learning, the long slow learning curve, how to live with and deal with this in a way that allows me and my teenage son to survive and maybe even thrive.  But it has been a real struggle. 

What is important in life?  I was listening to a Joyce Meyers CD recently and she was saying we are to be "lovers" not judges of other people.  I have recently lost a colleague to suicide.  Though we were not close, I feel as though maybe if I hadn't been so busy, maybe if I had been a better listener, maybe if I had reached out....  No, I don't feel guilty, but it is a reminder to me to slow down.  We may be in pain ourselves.  But we can still be "lovers" of others.  Yes, my life has been difficult for quite awhile.  But I believe God is speaking to me and telling me to be a "lover" of others.  To reach out, and talk to those I work with about things other than work, to provide a smile, to say how are the kids, how is your health, to say I appreciate you in my words and actions.  It's not that hard to do, but it requires that you take your mind off of yourself and your pain for awhile.  And I have found that in this brief time I have felt more joy from this than I have felt in a long time.

So, my goal is to "love" those I come in contact with every day.  To believe that God will help me to love those in need.  To give of myself, and therefore in some way God will give back to me what I need.  And in some way, my life will be better, my outlook will be better and my health will be better.  So here's to a journey of giving.  This world could sure use it!

Curveballs

Haven't posted in awhile. Life has been hectic. Marriage has been very strained. Life has been stressful and I've been quite unhappy. I know sometimes life throws you curve balls. But I truly did not see this one coming. So today is Christmas. Usually a happy time, but here it is not.

Boundaries. Ah yes. Those things most children learn and learn to respect in themselves. But, those of us who have been abused do not typically have healthy boundaries. For many, it is a loss of boundaries and the inability to stand up for oneself when needed. I've been there before. I've gotten much better at that. And, I can stand up even to my family. That is new for me.

However, I also have set some pretty strong boundaries sexually. Given my history, this is very confusing. Are these boundaries okay? Can I set my own? What if my spouse disagrees? Questions, questions, questions.

It seems that sex and sexuality will always be a confusing arena for me. In some ways, I just want to shut it off. In other ways, I'm mad that this is still an issue and want to be successful (whatever that means).

So, right now I don't know how the marriage will work out. Seems that after 27 years you would have figured out what you could handle and what you could not. But, here we are. Stress is high, very high. Unhappiness is the theme of the day. Oh that the new year would bring happiness my way again.

Rose-colored glasses

It is said that we don't get to choose our family, but we get to choose our friends. Hmmm. If we finally come to the realization that we were nothing to our family, pawns, tokens, in their lives, then are we still subject to that same notion? I think not. It's a hard realization that someone thinks or thought so little of you that they would not protect you, would not believe you when you said there was something wrong, or even when you said in no uncertain terms what was going on, could not fathom the concept that someone would abuse you?

Personally, I've had rose-colored glasses for many years. I wanted to believe that my family loved me and had they known, would have protected me. How foolish that was. I guess I needed to believe that to survive. But it is different now.

Things have gotten very out of hand and the stresses with family are more extreme. Why? Because I am saying the truth and they are saying "I didn't know" or "I don't remember". My mother is wanting me to be like her, no boundaries, let everyone else determine what happens in your life. Well, NO!

Recently, had a conversation with my mother that was one-sided (mine) and heated, because I had already been betrayed. I said in no uncertain terms that her handling of recent events took me back to childhood where she did not protect me. Her response - How was I to know? HELLO??? Who was the adult in this situation? Not me.

Anyway, I told her to leave me alone for awhile. If she loved me, she would do this. Do not call, give me time. You can write, but that is all. And I left. Hard to do to a woman who is frail because of chemotherapy and years of not taking care of herself. But, I did it. And I doubted myself later. Why? Because moms are supposed to be good, so mine must be, right?

So how did she handle this? She called and left a message on my cell that " maybe we could start over again". What???? Did I not say to leave me alone for awhile? Is this not the ultimate disrespect to me? She will never understand. And I guess I will have to figure out how much I will allow her to influence my life. I can tell you now that that level has decreased significantly.

The reality of the true actions of family during the times of abuse are very hard to handle. My rose-colored glasses have been lost. And it is very sad.

"The road is long
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where
Who knows when
But I'm strong
Strong enough to carry
He ain't heavy, he's my brother

So on we go
His welfare is of my concern
No burden is he to bear
We'll get there
For I know
He would not encumber me
He ain't heavy, he's my brother

If I'm laden at all
I'm laden with sadness
That everyone's heart
Isn't filled with the gladness
Of love for one another

It's a long, long road
From which there is no return
While we're on the way to there
Why not share
And the load
Doesn't weigh me down at all
He ain't heavy, he's my brother

He's my brother
He ain't heavy, he's my brother..."

I remember this song from the 70's. The Hollies sang it and probably other groups too. Think about this my sisters. Because we reach out to each other, because we share the burdens, we can make it through this long and winding road. Just sharing your point of view, your journey, can help others know how to make it. Let's all open up our hearts and find a way to help ours sisters. Some days, we all need help. You aren't a burden. Together we can carry you Sister!