Words

Words have power. They bring life and death. You can destroy your children or your marriage with words as you most certainly can build them up and bring healing. The Amplified translation of the Bible says "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it and indulge it will eat its fruit and bear the consequences of their words." Another translation...."What you say can preserve life or destroy it; so you must accept the consequences." Proverbs 18:21

Those who have had troubled or traumatic childhoods have most likely reaped the result of words of adults that were knowingly or unknowingly meant to destroy.  I was threatened on multiple occasions to keep "the secret" or else...and all results of not keeping that secret would be my responsibility. That was much too much for a child to bear. 

So I learned to keep those words deep inside. As I grew up, I continued to struggle voicing my own words. Shame helped keep them inside as well. Through a rough, verbally abusive marriage, I continued to keep those words hidden. Oh I did try to voice them, but was put down or just told that that wasn't true. Don't get me wrong, I was a "successful" professional who used her words carefully to bring truth and life to many children and their families. Most friends were kept at a safe distance and never truly knew me. But the real truth, my truth, my words, my story....that has remained largely hidden. 

But I truly believe God is giving me the courage to use my voice, my story, to bless others. So I'm on this journey to do just that. Fear has already tried to stop me, even shame has tried to lift it's ugly head against me, but I will speak of His love, His redemption and His absolute healing, because He loves us so. What he can do for me, and has done for me, He can and will do for you if you simply ask and trust Him. 

Blessings to all in the name of our Lord Jesus. 

My Voice

  I started this blog over ten years ago. I don't really recognize the woman who wrote those older notes. But, that's a good thing! But there has been much healing over these years. Since then, my husband died a painful death, our marriage had disintegrated greatly by then. My son graduated college and moved to a foreign country. I retired, bought an RV, traveled extensively, wrote my story and many poems too and settled in California. There's lots more to that story for another day. 

The most significant change has been the depth of my relationship with Jesus. Not a religion, a relationship. A daily walking and talking and listening relationship. I've finally begun to realize how much He really loves me and I've allowed Him access to the deepest parts of my soul and spirit. The result is an incredible amount of healing, freedom to become the best me , freedom to love myself and others at a deeper level, joy and peace. That last one has been a long time coming.

I feel an intense desire to know Him more intimately, hear Him well, and walk with Him anew in ways I've not known before. I'm on a cross country journey right now, partly to visit elderly family. But I believe this journey is about spiritual growth more than anything. The Lord has told me it's about finding my voice again. Learning to speak out His truth and how it has changed my life so miraculously, thus becoming My truth. 

So here's to a fresh new journey. I look forward with great anticipation to see what the Lord has in store for me. And I invite you along for the ride. 

Blessings to all. 

The same theme goes over in my mind again and again.  How do I learn to love myself enough?  When others call upon me to give up myself over and over....my mother wanting me to save her from death in a nursing home....as if I could....my own husband wanting me to make everything okay sexually,....even though there is no response from him.  

My friend came to visit 2 months ago.  She has finally learned how to love herself enough to lose weight so she would be able to see her grandchildren.  She has learned to love herself enough.  Granted, she did not suffer abuse like I have, but she has much to offer me.

No matter what happens in others... I need to love me.  That was not the case in my childhood.  My stepfather abused to his own delight.  My own mother was busy in her own world...not paying attention to what was going on around her.  even when the signs were there she chose not to pay attention.  Now she wants me to save her from death in a nursing home.  You've got to be kidding me.  Not only can I not do that,....I don't have the energy to care anymore.  I can't even call her back to talk to her without feeling like I am abandoning myself. 

So how do I love myself?  Day by day it is a journey.  Day by day I need to care about my health so that I can be part of my son's life as he ages.  No matter what my husband is going through, I need to be able to be part of my son's life and continue my own life in a healthy way.  Ahhhh...such work to be done.

Lovers

Once again, life has been busy.  And sometimes we tend to forget what is really important in life.  I've been surviving, but not overcoming for awhile.  My spouse has been struggling physically with severe pain and between that and the meds to control that he is difficult to live with.  I have been learning, the long slow learning curve, how to live with and deal with this in a way that allows me and my teenage son to survive and maybe even thrive.  But it has been a real struggle. 

What is important in life?  I was listening to a Joyce Meyers CD recently and she was saying we are to be "lovers" not judges of other people.  I have recently lost a colleague to suicide.  Though we were not close, I feel as though maybe if I hadn't been so busy, maybe if I had been a better listener, maybe if I had reached out....  No, I don't feel guilty, but it is a reminder to me to slow down.  We may be in pain ourselves.  But we can still be "lovers" of others.  Yes, my life has been difficult for quite awhile.  But I believe God is speaking to me and telling me to be a "lover" of others.  To reach out, and talk to those I work with about things other than work, to provide a smile, to say how are the kids, how is your health, to say I appreciate you in my words and actions.  It's not that hard to do, but it requires that you take your mind off of yourself and your pain for awhile.  And I have found that in this brief time I have felt more joy from this than I have felt in a long time.

So, my goal is to "love" those I come in contact with every day.  To believe that God will help me to love those in need.  To give of myself, and therefore in some way God will give back to me what I need.  And in some way, my life will be better, my outlook will be better and my health will be better.  So here's to a journey of giving.  This world could sure use it!

Curveballs

Haven't posted in awhile. Life has been hectic. Marriage has been very strained. Life has been stressful and I've been quite unhappy. I know sometimes life throws you curve balls. But I truly did not see this one coming. So today is Christmas. Usually a happy time, but here it is not.

Boundaries. Ah yes. Those things most children learn and learn to respect in themselves. But, those of us who have been abused do not typically have healthy boundaries. For many, it is a loss of boundaries and the inability to stand up for oneself when needed. I've been there before. I've gotten much better at that. And, I can stand up even to my family. That is new for me.

However, I also have set some pretty strong boundaries sexually. Given my history, this is very confusing. Are these boundaries okay? Can I set my own? What if my spouse disagrees? Questions, questions, questions.

It seems that sex and sexuality will always be a confusing arena for me. In some ways, I just want to shut it off. In other ways, I'm mad that this is still an issue and want to be successful (whatever that means).

So, right now I don't know how the marriage will work out. Seems that after 27 years you would have figured out what you could handle and what you could not. But, here we are. Stress is high, very high. Unhappiness is the theme of the day. Oh that the new year would bring happiness my way again.

Rose-colored glasses

It is said that we don't get to choose our family, but we get to choose our friends. Hmmm. If we finally come to the realization that we were nothing to our family, pawns, tokens, in their lives, then are we still subject to that same notion? I think not. It's a hard realization that someone thinks or thought so little of you that they would not protect you, would not believe you when you said there was something wrong, or even when you said in no uncertain terms what was going on, could not fathom the concept that someone would abuse you?

Personally, I've had rose-colored glasses for many years. I wanted to believe that my family loved me and had they known, would have protected me. How foolish that was. I guess I needed to believe that to survive. But it is different now.

Things have gotten very out of hand and the stresses with family are more extreme. Why? Because I am saying the truth and they are saying "I didn't know" or "I don't remember". My mother is wanting me to be like her, no boundaries, let everyone else determine what happens in your life. Well, NO!

Recently, had a conversation with my mother that was one-sided (mine) and heated, because I had already been betrayed. I said in no uncertain terms that her handling of recent events took me back to childhood where she did not protect me. Her response - How was I to know? HELLO??? Who was the adult in this situation? Not me.

Anyway, I told her to leave me alone for awhile. If she loved me, she would do this. Do not call, give me time. You can write, but that is all. And I left. Hard to do to a woman who is frail because of chemotherapy and years of not taking care of herself. But, I did it. And I doubted myself later. Why? Because moms are supposed to be good, so mine must be, right?

So how did she handle this? She called and left a message on my cell that " maybe we could start over again". What???? Did I not say to leave me alone for awhile? Is this not the ultimate disrespect to me? She will never understand. And I guess I will have to figure out how much I will allow her to influence my life. I can tell you now that that level has decreased significantly.

The reality of the true actions of family during the times of abuse are very hard to handle. My rose-colored glasses have been lost. And it is very sad.

"The road is long
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where
Who knows when
But I'm strong
Strong enough to carry
He ain't heavy, he's my brother

So on we go
His welfare is of my concern
No burden is he to bear
We'll get there
For I know
He would not encumber me
He ain't heavy, he's my brother

If I'm laden at all
I'm laden with sadness
That everyone's heart
Isn't filled with the gladness
Of love for one another

It's a long, long road
From which there is no return
While we're on the way to there
Why not share
And the load
Doesn't weigh me down at all
He ain't heavy, he's my brother

He's my brother
He ain't heavy, he's my brother..."

I remember this song from the 70's. The Hollies sang it and probably other groups too. Think about this my sisters. Because we reach out to each other, because we share the burdens, we can make it through this long and winding road. Just sharing your point of view, your journey, can help others know how to make it. Let's all open up our hearts and find a way to help ours sisters. Some days, we all need help. You aren't a burden. Together we can carry you Sister!

Mother's Day

Is there a way to celebrate Mother's Day for mothers who don't know how to mother. For mother's who continually need attention. Attention that requires too much from you.

For the first time in my life, I yelled at my mother. Well, actually, my spouse would say I raised my voice. But that is a lot for me. Why did I do this? Because she was defending the man in her life over me and my son. Hmmmm.... sound familiar?

She cannot handle the fact that I do not want to interact at all with her boyfriend who has gone against my husband's and my wishes and has attempted to usurp our authority. I will be visiting up north, with the primary goal of visiting family that is closer to normal, and will possibly spend time with my immediate family. My mother is upset because I will not come to her house if her boyfriend is there or go anywhere with him. She is so upset that she is telling everyone one and gaining some sympathy. I can tell because I have actually gotten a letter from my mother's sister telling me to "have it in my CHRISTIAN heart to forgive".

Obviously, neither of them get the picture. Forgiveness is not the issue. Why would I subject myself and my son to someone who only cares about themselves. My mother and her boyfriend both fit that picture. Why would I continue to expose my child to this poison?

Why after all these years, is it not surprising to me that my mother would choose to defend the man in her life. She did not choose to side with me. She chose to believe that my son was a liar and I was obviously crazy for believing that her boyfriend was the problem. When I was a child, she cose to pretend there was not problem and did not protect me. Hmmm...

Well as Bill Engvall would say "Oh, Wake up!" Even though I did not know what it was to be protected by my mother I will protect my own son! That is a guarantee. Even though I did not stand up for myself when I was younger, I will stand up now and say "enough is enough". Screw you family. I will move on and find a way to live my life.

Mother's Day....No, I did not get a call from her on Mother's Day, even though I am a mother too. Well, I didn't talk to her for almost a month. And when I did, I had a lot to say. And she continued to defend her boyfriend. Is there a future for us? I don't think so. But it sure is hard to walk away from an old woman knowing that your acts will cause her much pain. Yes, it is long overdue. But it is still hard.

The Next Part of the Journey

Truth seems to come at us a bit at a time. So, she was more interested in protecting her interests than her daughters. So, what does that mean to me as an adult. Do I keep the wall up...or do I pretend that I need a mom. She sold me out! She knew what was happening at least in part, so what do I owe her? Seems like I think I owe her something because she is my mother. But the truth is, she didn't protect me as a mother does, she did not act like a mother, she expected me to take care of her. So where does that leave us?

She's still around. She still wants attention. She doesn't remember selling me out for the abuser. She just remembers the good side. She loves me. But, do I love her. And if I do, how do I love her?

Girl Friends

Well, I went to visit with the girlfriends. Now, they were friends in college that I hadn't seen in 30 years. They weren't my best friends. They had been in classes with me and in clubs. They had seen some of each other over the years, but I had not seen any of them. So, while I felt that my idea of getting together to visit with this sick friend was a good idea, I was also anxious.

But, things went well. We got along fabulously. And I found that over time I could be real. They were not interested in playing a good face of the perfect Christian. They were interested in being real. So while one shared of the heart ache of birthing dead children and the other shared of aging parents and their problems, I shared of my childhood and the drama therein. I shared for awhile and stopped. And asked if that was too much. They were interested and not at all put off by my imperfectness. I could not have done this 30 years ago while attending college. But I was able to do this now. They were receptive, not put off. I was accepted, as an imperfect person who had struggled because of abuse. But I was accepted as a born again Christian, just like them. My struggles were foreign to them, but not beyond that which our God can forgive and repair. Wow. I could not have anticipated better.

And further, we were able to talk about real life now. Grown women and their needs for conversation and sharing and communion together. I was encouraged to find some other Christian women, not condemned, encouraged. I know that when I share my experiences as I journey this path, I will be encouraged by these friends. I am encouraged already. I have friends, long distance though they be, they do care about he real me and they want me to succeed as a Christian, as a woman, as an Overcomer. Wow. Sometimes, I am surprised by the human factor. God is good. Talk to you later sisters!

Old Friends and New

I'm heading off to visit with a college friend who has been ill. Two other friends will be joining us. We haven't been together since the early 80's. So much has changed since then. But I feel a bond that was there so many years ago. BUT, here's the problem. Back then, I did not talk about my abuse. It was a secret I kept well hid. I didn't know how to deal with it then, but I do now. So, do I share this with my friends?

I guess we'll have to see the level of honesty and openness that develops with us. All of us have had ups and downs, difficulties and victories, some things have happened that we could never have imagined. Can we trust and share? I guess that remains to be seen. I shall hold my peace and share if it is appropriate.

I think there are those who can handle that level of honesty and those who cannot. Discerning this can be difficult. As an abuse overcomer, I am learning to trust more and be open with others. Fear still jumps in there sometimes. But there is some level of caution that is necessary when sharing my past. So that is where the struggle lies. I am tempted to say nothing. But in a way that is denying myself with these friends. I guess I will have to trust my heart, my instincts and my faith. Hmmmm. Isn't that what a healthy, healed individual does?

Family History (and Future)

Busy again. A busy mind and a busy life. I've been working on a family history album. Not a history that includes my abuser. A history of the more healthy, normal side of the family. I've enjoyed it but I'm glad I've put a book together and put it aside for awhile. It can be very consuming.

It was also somewhat sad as well. I have often felt disconnected from family. Mostly I believe because I was disconnected from myself. Now I am much more in touch with me and I guess not sure about connecting with this extended family. I have been watching from afar most of my life I think.

Let me tell you a bit about them. My birth father died when I was a baby. He had five sisters - three older and two younger. All of these women have been career women with college degrees, several with at least two degrees. They have been achievers. They have been strong women. They have been independent women who were also deeply connected to each other and their own families and friends. And spiritual women, though maybe not in the same way I think of spirituality. The oldest was very involved in my life during my childhood and young adult life when I lived in the same area as her. She was always encouraging me to go to college, to achieve. The next two sisters lived out of state so I did not see much of them. I do know that one was a PE teacher back when that was uncommon for women and cheerleading coach. The next younger sister became a social worker and is now a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. The youngest was an elementary teacher, then HS teacher and now teaches at a Community College.

They are fine examples for me. This is not the example set by my own mother. Like many of you, my sisters, your mother was weak and helpless and you suffered for it. It's difficult to be strong when this is your example in life. So, I am very thankful that I have others to look up to and follow after. I have done that successfully.

When I started doing the family history, I told myself it was because I wanted to update what my oldest aunt had done back in the 70's and 80's. While that is true, I feel like I have learned so much about the family. I have gotten in touch with an aunt I haven't seen since I was a child and talked to a cousin I haven't seen since then as well. I've spoken more often to the two younger aunts than I have in years. It has been a great experience. For part of the family history book, I asked the surviving sisters, the youngest 3, to write memories of the family that had passed on. The stories about my own father brought tears to my eyes. They still do. The youngest two remember their big brother very fondly and both stated the family was never the same after his death. I admit it did cause me to grieve a bit about what I never had, the father I never got to know.

Everyone I gave a copy of the book I created was pleased. Some overwhelmed with emotion. My aunts have connected with my husband and are planning a big girl's get together this summer. They wanted to fly me up there, but he said he would and they could plan a trip to the City. So that will be coming up in June. I look forward to it, but am anxious as well. How will I handle it? I'm hoping I will be able to open up and let them in. And let some healing occur. Let some bonds become more firm.
Time will tell. I've got to get my mind set. What wonderful experiences are waiting for me?

Work

Sometimes we get busy with our jobs because it is required of us or because we want to improve our position. Sometimes we get busy to avoid other things. Sometimes I don't know which category I am falling into that day.

I love my job. I am respected there and people appreciate me. It's nice to be wanted, but it's easy to let that control your plans and goals. I mean afterall, didn't we as victims of sexual abuse cooperate in keeping silence because someone else told us to. It was expected of us. I was threatened often. Some of you were too, I'm sure. So we kept the secret and worked around this terrible secret basically allowing it to change our plans and goals in our lives. To not let it control our plans and decisions would mean we would have to tell. That was too scary at the time.

So, I find that making people happy, making sure they like me sometimes is too important to me. I'm learning to not care so much. At least I'm learning to be me better and then it's easier to not feel like you have to please others all the time. It's a work in progress. But I guess we all are.

The Angst

Some of my sisters understand the struggle of weight. For me, I've come to realize that weight has been a protective layer. Men don't flirt or come on to fat women. Works pretty well. Don't have to deal with all that sexuality that way. At least that is my experience.

So recently, I've lost a bunch of weight. It is noticeable. And I am getting comments. I have more to go before I'm at a healthy weight, but I do feel and look much better. Most comments are from other women since we seem to always worry about our weight and learn from each other. But, the guys are noticing as well. No, I haven't had any real come ons yet. But, I can tell that I am feeling anxious about it. I feel as though I am sabotaging my own weight loss. Maybe I need to take it slower. I guess I'm not sure.

Rejoining the world of sexual awareness....I guess I've been blind to all the sexual interchange that goes on...purposefully so. But, now I'm waking up and I guess I find it scary. So, I take it day by day. Wear clothes that have been stuffed in the back of my closet. Try to in some way show off the difference. Try to be out there and aware. Am I the only one who struggles this way. Talk to me sisters!

Vacation?

I used to love the TV show "The Waltons". And for that matter, even "The Brady Bunch" or "The Partridge Family". These were great escapes for someone who knew her family was sick or at least knew there was something better out there.

So this summer I returned to NJ to visit my family. And they are nothing like John Boy and Mary Ellen. I haven't been back in a few years. Why did I bother? Mom's aging, getting sicker, may be the last visit...take your pick. So, I embarked on a journey with my son to visit the childhood home area. We stayed with mom, that in itself was a challenge. From chain smoking boyfriend who can't be trusted to a mother who cares more for placating people than standing up for the truth, .... well it was challenging everyday for sure.

However, in spite of these challenges I was able to make some great strides. I was more able to be in touch with me and not be the doormat I was trained to be as a child. I was able to talk with my brothers briefly about the abuse....at least enough to tell them about the threats, the intensity and duration of the abuse....to talk to them about how it had destroyed the whole family and our relationships. They were both rather quiet, not knowing what to say or how to react. At least they didn't react negatively or just tell me to get on with my life. I did realize later through comments from both of their wives made that they had been affected and were saddened by the abuse I suffered. At least a little bit.

I also attempted conversation with my mother. I learned a bit more about her and understood a bit more how weak she is as a person. I understood how she had been touched sexually by a brother-in-law at a time when you could not speak up about such things. So much so that as a senior adult, when her sister passed, she still feared being in the same room with this man. I feel pity for her, as I see her just being swallowed up by life's experiences. In the face of recent illness, she seems to be giving up.

Mostly, since being home with my own, I feel thankful that I have been blessed. God has given me strength to survive and overcome years of abuse. He has blessed me in an unbelievable measure. I am able to share freely about my childhood without fear, well maybe a little anxiety still :o) I am able to begin to help others to heal. I believe the strength God has given me is not just for me, but for me to help others. My experiences, though awful and rather extensive, pale in comparison to those of some of my sisters. I'm referring of course to Sisters who have been abused. If I do little else in my life that the world may recognize as successful, if I help another Sister to heal, to move toward wholeness and peace, then I have done well.

God Bless. Peace to you. And thanks for listening.

The Busy Mind

Being busy can be good. In the past I have often used that to keep from thinking about problems. I still do sometimes. I think it can be healthy if not overused.
Sometimes a respite is needed.

But I've come to believe that a busy mind is not the normal state of the mind. For me it was a way to avoid the abusive situation I grew up in. I honestly didn't know any other way. But busy minds, don't have time left over for being creative or reflecting. Too much energy is used up with anxiety and defensiveness.

Joyce Meyer talks about this in her book "The Battlefield of the Mind". She talks about the anxious mind being one that can never be at peace for they are polar points of existence. Once you have begun to deal with your own anxieties, issues or demons, you will find that you have time to think on other things. You can choose to continue having an anxious mind or you can choose to have a peaceful mind. Of course, it takes much practice to make this change.

Joyce encourages us to think on the good things, the blessings we have been given and to have faith for the future. Of course if you know Joyce's works, you know that she has much scriptural support for her writings. One such scripture is Philippians 4:6 and 7.

"Be careful for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding shall keep your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ."

For those of you like myself, this journey to a peaceful mind is daily. Some day harder than others. But it does get easier. I have found myself lately with some time to just sit and converse and share with family. (Of course, I am on vacation and it is easier to do that when you are away from the daily grind.) But, I also find myself with time on my hands at home more often where I can choose what to do and I don't have to keep working to feel safe, or loved, or happy or at peace. It is quite nice. I can relax, read, write on my blog and not worry! It is a nice change. And if this has been a struggle of yours, I encourage you think on the good things. Be at peace.

Bones

I used to think "the abuse was a long time ago. That was then. This is now." I was totally unaware of how much the past was affecting my present. Emotional damage yes, and physical.

We bury things to survive. These things live in our bodies, they live in our bones and flesh. They cause tension, physical problems and a myriad of emotional problems. But of course we don't know it at the time. At the time, it was a healthy response, a survival based response. It was necessary at least for a survivor of long-term sexual abuse.

For me, as time went on it seemed I didn't realize what I had hidden. Yes, I remembered my abuse, but the feelings, the confusion, the anger had all been buried. I basically had denied myself and disconnected myself from my feelings. You can't do that without repercussions. There is a price to pay for storing all that stress.

The price I believe is intimately knowing and being in touch with the "real' you. You tend to be more of a puppet, unsure of yourself and your own opinions. And you tend to adapt to those around you really well, too well even.

Fortunately, there is hope. Through competent counseling and much effort you can reconnect. It takes a lot of work and it is painful. BUT IT IS WORTH IT! YOU ARE WORTH IT! For me, it took EMDR, and some hypnosis. But, you'll have to figure out your own needs. I encourage you to do it. Be brave, be patient with yourself and learn to love the "real" you.

Family

What does one do with family? As a child, you assume every family is like yours. You may assume as I did that your parents love you and would protect you no matter what. Brothers too would care and protect you. But i learned very early on that I would not be protected. So, my mom was still my mom. Confusion arose, of course, but she was my mom. So when the abuse continued and the threats made to maintain silence increased in intensity, I protected my mom. Because that is what family is supposed to do. Or so I thought.

So now I'm older. I've been through counseling and much healing has occured. But in my family, I am still viewed as the same. Still the one to dump on, use for your own purposes, pretend I exist for your needs. I don't really exixt within the context of my family. Not the real me anyway.

Someday I will confront my brothers. Tell them the truth. But, I don't know if that will change anything as far as our relationship. But, I will no longer be there to dump on and I will take no grief.

My mother....what can I say. She knows some of the truth and can't handle the rest. She is still my mother, but by genetics and name only. There is no real mother daughter relationship. And I don't think there ever will be. Because in order to have that type of relationship you have to have trust. And she has betrayed me over and over again. So, I will keep my distance. And grieve for what could have been.

The Doormat

I don't remember when it began. I was quite young. But I do remember the night that I knew I was on my own, that no one would protect me. I think I was six.

What happens to a child when they know that a monster is after them and wants to harm them and no one will help them. They try to hide but cannot. So they hide inside themselves.

I don't know when I began to do this. But trying to hide the pain and keeping the secret were all consuming. I began to feel like keeping the family happy was my responsibility. My burden. The threats that I receiving from stepdad also helped burden me with unbearable responsibility. "If you tell, then mom will be mad at me" or "She'll divorce me and it will be your fault" and the motherlode "I'll kill myself and everyone will be unhappy and it will be your fault." Much, much more than I could bear. Than I should have been made to bear for I was only a child.

So, I learned my place in my family. I was the doormat, my feelings, my reality, my entire being not worthy of mention and certainly not worthy of the family's attention. Meant to be used, abused and forgotten. And so it was...

The Doormat

Treads come undone,
No repair is made.
Torn, tattered and ignored.
Cleaned up superficially,
So to be seen by the world.
Outside presentable.
Bring no attention or disgrace.
Foundation not lain.
Empty inside.
No strength to protect,
But always there to be used.
Value unknown.
Not cared for by most,
Ignored by the rest.
Walked on, used, abused and
Thrown away.

Some things in childhood stick with you for life. These things are such a part of you that zometimes you don't even know where they came from. It's that way with childhood abuse. You have to adapt to survive. You lose sight of yourself for awhile. For some it may be forever. You add on these characteristics, these appendages of sorts, and act the way others expect you to act. The secret makes that necessary. You have to pretend everything is all right. So, hiding your true self becomes easy. Your inner self can get lost under all those years of survival and adaptation.

Then, as an adult you continue to run the game the way you have been. Funny, that even though you have long been out of the abuse situation and may even be far from family, you still act the way you programmed yourself to act. If and when you are around family, you definitely continue to act that way because that is who you were around them and that is what they expect.

At some time, as you begin to heal, you realize that your're not happy with that. You realize you don't even really know yourself. Maybe it's that empty feeling inside that keeps gnawing away at you. You know that you want something different and you begin to tear off layers and layers of these appendages you've added. You begin to discover yourself. And part of that is discovering who you were, what your identity was in your family.

As you try to make changes in yourself, you may find, as I did, that others don't want you to change. They like things the way they always have been. But, change anyway. You owe it to yourself to be you. But don't be surprised when your family and maybe even friends don't adapt with you.

"Taking off the old and putting on the new" requires guts. Be patient with yourself. You have to try it on for size. It takes practice. But you can do it. You are worth every ounce of energy it takes. TTFN