Bones

I used to think "the abuse was a long time ago. That was then. This is now." I was totally unaware of how much the past was affecting my present. Emotional damage yes, and physical.

We bury things to survive. These things live in our bodies, they live in our bones and flesh. They cause tension, physical problems and a myriad of emotional problems. But of course we don't know it at the time. At the time, it was a healthy response, a survival based response. It was necessary at least for a survivor of long-term sexual abuse.

For me, as time went on it seemed I didn't realize what I had hidden. Yes, I remembered my abuse, but the feelings, the confusion, the anger had all been buried. I basically had denied myself and disconnected myself from my feelings. You can't do that without repercussions. There is a price to pay for storing all that stress.

The price I believe is intimately knowing and being in touch with the "real' you. You tend to be more of a puppet, unsure of yourself and your own opinions. And you tend to adapt to those around you really well, too well even.

Fortunately, there is hope. Through competent counseling and much effort you can reconnect. It takes a lot of work and it is painful. BUT IT IS WORTH IT! YOU ARE WORTH IT! For me, it took EMDR, and some hypnosis. But, you'll have to figure out your own needs. I encourage you to do it. Be brave, be patient with yourself and learn to love the "real" you.

Family

What does one do with family? As a child, you assume every family is like yours. You may assume as I did that your parents love you and would protect you no matter what. Brothers too would care and protect you. But i learned very early on that I would not be protected. So, my mom was still my mom. Confusion arose, of course, but she was my mom. So when the abuse continued and the threats made to maintain silence increased in intensity, I protected my mom. Because that is what family is supposed to do. Or so I thought.

So now I'm older. I've been through counseling and much healing has occured. But in my family, I am still viewed as the same. Still the one to dump on, use for your own purposes, pretend I exist for your needs. I don't really exixt within the context of my family. Not the real me anyway.

Someday I will confront my brothers. Tell them the truth. But, I don't know if that will change anything as far as our relationship. But, I will no longer be there to dump on and I will take no grief.

My mother....what can I say. She knows some of the truth and can't handle the rest. She is still my mother, but by genetics and name only. There is no real mother daughter relationship. And I don't think there ever will be. Because in order to have that type of relationship you have to have trust. And she has betrayed me over and over again. So, I will keep my distance. And grieve for what could have been.

Step One

Why is that sometimes we don't do important things, things we feel an internal urge to do, until a hurtful or catastrophic event occurs? That's the way it is with me sometimes. I mean well, but get too busy with life, family, work...

This blog is to be about my journey through healing of sexual abuse. It is my way of standing up for myself, my inner child. It is my way of defending the defenseless. It is my way of reaching out to others in pain. In some small way I wish to help others heal, while I continue my own journey of healing.

As with any journey, the most difficult part is the first step. So here is my first step in blogging. Opening up my mouth to tell my story has never been easy. Like many others who have suffered through childhood abuse, threats were commonly used to maintain the silence and secrecy. It has taken a long time to be able to talk, though my abuser has long since been dead. Some habits are hard to change. Though I feel stronger each time I talk about the abuse I remain cautious about whom I talk with because others don't necessary understand. Friends and family alike fall into this category. We cannot be healed if we just believe that was in the past it's time to move on. We must open up and share. For me the sharing has occured little by little over time. Most recently, working with an excellent trained counselor has made all the difference. Opening up has helped me release so much pain that has been buried for so long. It has been the most freeing experience of my life. I would encourage everyone out there who has suffered some form of abuse, particularly those of you who have been sexually abused to find someone to talk to...a friend might be able to handle what you share, but I would recommend a trained counselor. No matter what you choose, just open up and begin to let the poison out so healing can begin. I believe God sent me to the right person and he will lead you too if you will just ask. God Bless.