I'm heading off to visit with a college friend who has been ill. Two other friends will be joining us. We haven't been together since the early 80's. So much has changed since then. But I feel a bond that was there so many years ago. BUT, here's the problem. Back then, I did not talk about my abuse. It was a secret I kept well hid. I didn't know how to deal with it then, but I do now. So, do I share this with my friends?
I guess we'll have to see the level of honesty and openness that develops with us. All of us have had ups and downs, difficulties and victories, some things have happened that we could never have imagined. Can we trust and share? I guess that remains to be seen. I shall hold my peace and share if it is appropriate.
I think there are those who can handle that level of honesty and those who cannot. Discerning this can be difficult. As an abuse overcomer, I am learning to trust more and be open with others. Fear still jumps in there sometimes. But there is some level of caution that is necessary when sharing my past. So that is where the struggle lies. I am tempted to say nothing. But in a way that is denying myself with these friends. I guess I will have to trust my heart, my instincts and my faith. Hmmmm. Isn't that what a healthy, healed individual does?
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Family History (and Future)
Busy again. A busy mind and a busy life. I've been working on a family history album. Not a history that includes my abuser. A history of the more healthy, normal side of the family. I've enjoyed it but I'm glad I've put a book together and put it aside for awhile. It can be very consuming.
It was also somewhat sad as well. I have often felt disconnected from family. Mostly I believe because I was disconnected from myself. Now I am much more in touch with me and I guess not sure about connecting with this extended family. I have been watching from afar most of my life I think.
Let me tell you a bit about them. My birth father died when I was a baby. He had five sisters - three older and two younger. All of these women have been career women with college degrees, several with at least two degrees. They have been achievers. They have been strong women. They have been independent women who were also deeply connected to each other and their own families and friends. And spiritual women, though maybe not in the same way I think of spirituality. The oldest was very involved in my life during my childhood and young adult life when I lived in the same area as her. She was always encouraging me to go to college, to achieve. The next two sisters lived out of state so I did not see much of them. I do know that one was a PE teacher back when that was uncommon for women and cheerleading coach. The next younger sister became a social worker and is now a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. The youngest was an elementary teacher, then HS teacher and now teaches at a Community College.
They are fine examples for me. This is not the example set by my own mother. Like many of you, my sisters, your mother was weak and helpless and you suffered for it. It's difficult to be strong when this is your example in life. So, I am very thankful that I have others to look up to and follow after. I have done that successfully.
When I started doing the family history, I told myself it was because I wanted to update what my oldest aunt had done back in the 70's and 80's. While that is true, I feel like I have learned so much about the family. I have gotten in touch with an aunt I haven't seen since I was a child and talked to a cousin I haven't seen since then as well. I've spoken more often to the two younger aunts than I have in years. It has been a great experience. For part of the family history book, I asked the surviving sisters, the youngest 3, to write memories of the family that had passed on. The stories about my own father brought tears to my eyes. They still do. The youngest two remember their big brother very fondly and both stated the family was never the same after his death. I admit it did cause me to grieve a bit about what I never had, the father I never got to know.
Everyone I gave a copy of the book I created was pleased. Some overwhelmed with emotion. My aunts have connected with my husband and are planning a big girl's get together this summer. They wanted to fly me up there, but he said he would and they could plan a trip to the City. So that will be coming up in June. I look forward to it, but am anxious as well. How will I handle it? I'm hoping I will be able to open up and let them in. And let some healing occur. Let some bonds become more firm.
Time will tell. I've got to get my mind set. What wonderful experiences are waiting for me?
It was also somewhat sad as well. I have often felt disconnected from family. Mostly I believe because I was disconnected from myself. Now I am much more in touch with me and I guess not sure about connecting with this extended family. I have been watching from afar most of my life I think.
Let me tell you a bit about them. My birth father died when I was a baby. He had five sisters - three older and two younger. All of these women have been career women with college degrees, several with at least two degrees. They have been achievers. They have been strong women. They have been independent women who were also deeply connected to each other and their own families and friends. And spiritual women, though maybe not in the same way I think of spirituality. The oldest was very involved in my life during my childhood and young adult life when I lived in the same area as her. She was always encouraging me to go to college, to achieve. The next two sisters lived out of state so I did not see much of them. I do know that one was a PE teacher back when that was uncommon for women and cheerleading coach. The next younger sister became a social worker and is now a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. The youngest was an elementary teacher, then HS teacher and now teaches at a Community College.
They are fine examples for me. This is not the example set by my own mother. Like many of you, my sisters, your mother was weak and helpless and you suffered for it. It's difficult to be strong when this is your example in life. So, I am very thankful that I have others to look up to and follow after. I have done that successfully.
When I started doing the family history, I told myself it was because I wanted to update what my oldest aunt had done back in the 70's and 80's. While that is true, I feel like I have learned so much about the family. I have gotten in touch with an aunt I haven't seen since I was a child and talked to a cousin I haven't seen since then as well. I've spoken more often to the two younger aunts than I have in years. It has been a great experience. For part of the family history book, I asked the surviving sisters, the youngest 3, to write memories of the family that had passed on. The stories about my own father brought tears to my eyes. They still do. The youngest two remember their big brother very fondly and both stated the family was never the same after his death. I admit it did cause me to grieve a bit about what I never had, the father I never got to know.
Everyone I gave a copy of the book I created was pleased. Some overwhelmed with emotion. My aunts have connected with my husband and are planning a big girl's get together this summer. They wanted to fly me up there, but he said he would and they could plan a trip to the City. So that will be coming up in June. I look forward to it, but am anxious as well. How will I handle it? I'm hoping I will be able to open up and let them in. And let some healing occur. Let some bonds become more firm.
Time will tell. I've got to get my mind set. What wonderful experiences are waiting for me?
Friday, October 1, 2010
Work
Sometimes we get busy with our jobs because it is required of us or because we want to improve our position. Sometimes we get busy to avoid other things. Sometimes I don't know which category I am falling into that day.
I love my job. I am respected there and people appreciate me. It's nice to be wanted, but it's easy to let that control your plans and goals. I mean afterall, didn't we as victims of sexual abuse cooperate in keeping silence because someone else told us to. It was expected of us. I was threatened often. Some of you were too, I'm sure. So we kept the secret and worked around this terrible secret basically allowing it to change our plans and goals in our lives. To not let it control our plans and decisions would mean we would have to tell. That was too scary at the time.
So, I find that making people happy, making sure they like me sometimes is too important to me. I'm learning to not care so much. At least I'm learning to be me better and then it's easier to not feel like you have to please others all the time. It's a work in progress. But I guess we all are.
I love my job. I am respected there and people appreciate me. It's nice to be wanted, but it's easy to let that control your plans and goals. I mean afterall, didn't we as victims of sexual abuse cooperate in keeping silence because someone else told us to. It was expected of us. I was threatened often. Some of you were too, I'm sure. So we kept the secret and worked around this terrible secret basically allowing it to change our plans and goals in our lives. To not let it control our plans and decisions would mean we would have to tell. That was too scary at the time.
So, I find that making people happy, making sure they like me sometimes is too important to me. I'm learning to not care so much. At least I'm learning to be me better and then it's easier to not feel like you have to please others all the time. It's a work in progress. But I guess we all are.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
The Angst
Some of my sisters understand the struggle of weight. For me, I've come to realize that weight has been a protective layer. Men don't flirt or come on to fat women. Works pretty well. Don't have to deal with all that sexuality that way. At least that is my experience.
So recently, I've lost a bunch of weight. It is noticeable. And I am getting comments. I have more to go before I'm at a healthy weight, but I do feel and look much better. Most comments are from other women since we seem to always worry about our weight and learn from each other. But, the guys are noticing as well. No, I haven't had any real come ons yet. But, I can tell that I am feeling anxious about it. I feel as though I am sabotaging my own weight loss. Maybe I need to take it slower. I guess I'm not sure.
Rejoining the world of sexual awareness....I guess I've been blind to all the sexual interchange that goes on...purposefully so. But, now I'm waking up and I guess I find it scary. So, I take it day by day. Wear clothes that have been stuffed in the back of my closet. Try to in some way show off the difference. Try to be out there and aware. Am I the only one who struggles this way. Talk to me sisters!
So recently, I've lost a bunch of weight. It is noticeable. And I am getting comments. I have more to go before I'm at a healthy weight, but I do feel and look much better. Most comments are from other women since we seem to always worry about our weight and learn from each other. But, the guys are noticing as well. No, I haven't had any real come ons yet. But, I can tell that I am feeling anxious about it. I feel as though I am sabotaging my own weight loss. Maybe I need to take it slower. I guess I'm not sure.
Rejoining the world of sexual awareness....I guess I've been blind to all the sexual interchange that goes on...purposefully so. But, now I'm waking up and I guess I find it scary. So, I take it day by day. Wear clothes that have been stuffed in the back of my closet. Try to in some way show off the difference. Try to be out there and aware. Am I the only one who struggles this way. Talk to me sisters!
Monday, August 16, 2010
Vacation?
I used to love the TV show "The Waltons". And for that matter, even "The Brady Bunch" or "The Partridge Family". These were great escapes for someone who knew her family was sick or at least knew there was something better out there.
So this summer I returned to NJ to visit my family. And they are nothing like John Boy and Mary Ellen. I haven't been back in a few years. Why did I bother? Mom's aging, getting sicker, may be the last visit...take your pick. So, I embarked on a journey with my son to visit the childhood home area. We stayed with mom, that in itself was a challenge. From chain smoking boyfriend who can't be trusted to a mother who cares more for placating people than standing up for the truth, .... well it was challenging everyday for sure.
However, in spite of these challenges I was able to make some great strides. I was more able to be in touch with me and not be the doormat I was trained to be as a child. I was able to talk with my brothers briefly about the abuse....at least enough to tell them about the threats, the intensity and duration of the abuse....to talk to them about how it had destroyed the whole family and our relationships. They were both rather quiet, not knowing what to say or how to react. At least they didn't react negatively or just tell me to get on with my life. I did realize later through comments from both of their wives made that they had been affected and were saddened by the abuse I suffered. At least a little bit.
I also attempted conversation with my mother. I learned a bit more about her and understood a bit more how weak she is as a person. I understood how she had been touched sexually by a brother-in-law at a time when you could not speak up about such things. So much so that as a senior adult, when her sister passed, she still feared being in the same room with this man. I feel pity for her, as I see her just being swallowed up by life's experiences. In the face of recent illness, she seems to be giving up.
Mostly, since being home with my own, I feel thankful that I have been blessed. God has given me strength to survive and overcome years of abuse. He has blessed me in an unbelievable measure. I am able to share freely about my childhood without fear, well maybe a little anxiety still :o) I am able to begin to help others to heal. I believe the strength God has given me is not just for me, but for me to help others. My experiences, though awful and rather extensive, pale in comparison to those of some of my sisters. I'm referring of course to Sisters who have been abused. If I do little else in my life that the world may recognize as successful, if I help another Sister to heal, to move toward wholeness and peace, then I have done well.
God Bless. Peace to you. And thanks for listening.
So this summer I returned to NJ to visit my family. And they are nothing like John Boy and Mary Ellen. I haven't been back in a few years. Why did I bother? Mom's aging, getting sicker, may be the last visit...take your pick. So, I embarked on a journey with my son to visit the childhood home area. We stayed with mom, that in itself was a challenge. From chain smoking boyfriend who can't be trusted to a mother who cares more for placating people than standing up for the truth, .... well it was challenging everyday for sure.
However, in spite of these challenges I was able to make some great strides. I was more able to be in touch with me and not be the doormat I was trained to be as a child. I was able to talk with my brothers briefly about the abuse....at least enough to tell them about the threats, the intensity and duration of the abuse....to talk to them about how it had destroyed the whole family and our relationships. They were both rather quiet, not knowing what to say or how to react. At least they didn't react negatively or just tell me to get on with my life. I did realize later through comments from both of their wives made that they had been affected and were saddened by the abuse I suffered. At least a little bit.
I also attempted conversation with my mother. I learned a bit more about her and understood a bit more how weak she is as a person. I understood how she had been touched sexually by a brother-in-law at a time when you could not speak up about such things. So much so that as a senior adult, when her sister passed, she still feared being in the same room with this man. I feel pity for her, as I see her just being swallowed up by life's experiences. In the face of recent illness, she seems to be giving up.
Mostly, since being home with my own, I feel thankful that I have been blessed. God has given me strength to survive and overcome years of abuse. He has blessed me in an unbelievable measure. I am able to share freely about my childhood without fear, well maybe a little anxiety still :o) I am able to begin to help others to heal. I believe the strength God has given me is not just for me, but for me to help others. My experiences, though awful and rather extensive, pale in comparison to those of some of my sisters. I'm referring of course to Sisters who have been abused. If I do little else in my life that the world may recognize as successful, if I help another Sister to heal, to move toward wholeness and peace, then I have done well.
God Bless. Peace to you. And thanks for listening.
Monday, July 12, 2010
The Busy Mind
Being busy can be good. In the past I have often used that to keep from thinking about problems. I still do sometimes. I think it can be healthy if not overused.
Sometimes a respite is needed.
But I've come to believe that a busy mind is not the normal state of the mind. For me it was a way to avoid the abusive situation I grew up in. I honestly didn't know any other way. But busy minds, don't have time left over for being creative or reflecting. Too much energy is used up with anxiety and defensiveness.
Joyce Meyer talks about this in her book "The Battlefield of the Mind". She talks about the anxious mind being one that can never be at peace for they are polar points of existence. Once you have begun to deal with your own anxieties, issues or demons, you will find that you have time to think on other things. You can choose to continue having an anxious mind or you can choose to have a peaceful mind. Of course, it takes much practice to make this change.
Joyce encourages us to think on the good things, the blessings we have been given and to have faith for the future. Of course if you know Joyce's works, you know that she has much scriptural support for her writings. One such scripture is Philippians 4:6 and 7.
"Be careful for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding shall keep your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ."
For those of you like myself, this journey to a peaceful mind is daily. Some day harder than others. But it does get easier. I have found myself lately with some time to just sit and converse and share with family. (Of course, I am on vacation and it is easier to do that when you are away from the daily grind.) But, I also find myself with time on my hands at home more often where I can choose what to do and I don't have to keep working to feel safe, or loved, or happy or at peace. It is quite nice. I can relax, read, write on my blog and not worry! It is a nice change. And if this has been a struggle of yours, I encourage you think on the good things. Be at peace.
Sometimes a respite is needed.
But I've come to believe that a busy mind is not the normal state of the mind. For me it was a way to avoid the abusive situation I grew up in. I honestly didn't know any other way. But busy minds, don't have time left over for being creative or reflecting. Too much energy is used up with anxiety and defensiveness.
Joyce Meyer talks about this in her book "The Battlefield of the Mind". She talks about the anxious mind being one that can never be at peace for they are polar points of existence. Once you have begun to deal with your own anxieties, issues or demons, you will find that you have time to think on other things. You can choose to continue having an anxious mind or you can choose to have a peaceful mind. Of course, it takes much practice to make this change.
Joyce encourages us to think on the good things, the blessings we have been given and to have faith for the future. Of course if you know Joyce's works, you know that she has much scriptural support for her writings. One such scripture is Philippians 4:6 and 7.
"Be careful for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding shall keep your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ."
For those of you like myself, this journey to a peaceful mind is daily. Some day harder than others. But it does get easier. I have found myself lately with some time to just sit and converse and share with family. (Of course, I am on vacation and it is easier to do that when you are away from the daily grind.) But, I also find myself with time on my hands at home more often where I can choose what to do and I don't have to keep working to feel safe, or loved, or happy or at peace. It is quite nice. I can relax, read, write on my blog and not worry! It is a nice change. And if this has been a struggle of yours, I encourage you think on the good things. Be at peace.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Bones
I used to think "the abuse was a long time ago. That was then. This is now." I was totally unaware of how much the past was affecting my present. Emotional damage yes, and physical.
We bury things to survive. These things live in our bodies, they live in our bones and flesh. They cause tension, physical problems and a myriad of emotional problems. But of course we don't know it at the time. At the time, it was a healthy response, a survival based response. It was necessary at least for a survivor of long-term sexual abuse.
For me, as time went on it seemed I didn't realize what I had hidden. Yes, I remembered my abuse, but the feelings, the confusion, the anger had all been buried. I basically had denied myself and disconnected myself from my feelings. You can't do that without repercussions. There is a price to pay for storing all that stress.
The price I believe is intimately knowing and being in touch with the "real' you. You tend to be more of a puppet, unsure of yourself and your own opinions. And you tend to adapt to those around you really well, too well even.
Fortunately, there is hope. Through competent counseling and much effort you can reconnect. It takes a lot of work and it is painful. BUT IT IS WORTH IT! YOU ARE WORTH IT! For me, it took EMDR, and some hypnosis. But, you'll have to figure out your own needs. I encourage you to do it. Be brave, be patient with yourself and learn to love the "real" you.
We bury things to survive. These things live in our bodies, they live in our bones and flesh. They cause tension, physical problems and a myriad of emotional problems. But of course we don't know it at the time. At the time, it was a healthy response, a survival based response. It was necessary at least for a survivor of long-term sexual abuse.
For me, as time went on it seemed I didn't realize what I had hidden. Yes, I remembered my abuse, but the feelings, the confusion, the anger had all been buried. I basically had denied myself and disconnected myself from my feelings. You can't do that without repercussions. There is a price to pay for storing all that stress.
The price I believe is intimately knowing and being in touch with the "real' you. You tend to be more of a puppet, unsure of yourself and your own opinions. And you tend to adapt to those around you really well, too well even.
Fortunately, there is hope. Through competent counseling and much effort you can reconnect. It takes a lot of work and it is painful. BUT IT IS WORTH IT! YOU ARE WORTH IT! For me, it took EMDR, and some hypnosis. But, you'll have to figure out your own needs. I encourage you to do it. Be brave, be patient with yourself and learn to love the "real" you.
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