The same theme goes over in my mind again and again.  How do I learn to love myself enough?  When others call upon me to give up myself over and over....my mother wanting me to save her from death in a nursing home....as if I could....my own husband wanting me to make everything okay sexually,....even though there is no response from him.  

My friend came to visit 2 months ago.  She has finally learned how to love herself enough to lose weight so she would be able to see her grandchildren.  She has learned to love herself enough.  Granted, she did not suffer abuse like I have, but she has much to offer me.

No matter what happens in others... I need to love me.  That was not the case in my childhood.  My stepfather abused to his own delight.  My own mother was busy in her own world...not paying attention to what was going on around her.  even when the signs were there she chose not to pay attention.  Now she wants me to save her from death in a nursing home.  You've got to be kidding me.  Not only can I not do that,....I don't have the energy to care anymore.  I can't even call her back to talk to her without feeling like I am abandoning myself. 

So how do I love myself?  Day by day it is a journey.  Day by day I need to care about my health so that I can be part of my son's life as he ages.  No matter what my husband is going through, I need to be able to be part of my son's life and continue my own life in a healthy way.  Ahhhh...such work to be done.

Lovers

Once again, life has been busy.  And sometimes we tend to forget what is really important in life.  I've been surviving, but not overcoming for awhile.  My spouse has been struggling physically with severe pain and between that and the meds to control that he is difficult to live with.  I have been learning, the long slow learning curve, how to live with and deal with this in a way that allows me and my teenage son to survive and maybe even thrive.  But it has been a real struggle. 

What is important in life?  I was listening to a Joyce Meyers CD recently and she was saying we are to be "lovers" not judges of other people.  I have recently lost a colleague to suicide.  Though we were not close, I feel as though maybe if I hadn't been so busy, maybe if I had been a better listener, maybe if I had reached out....  No, I don't feel guilty, but it is a reminder to me to slow down.  We may be in pain ourselves.  But we can still be "lovers" of others.  Yes, my life has been difficult for quite awhile.  But I believe God is speaking to me and telling me to be a "lover" of others.  To reach out, and talk to those I work with about things other than work, to provide a smile, to say how are the kids, how is your health, to say I appreciate you in my words and actions.  It's not that hard to do, but it requires that you take your mind off of yourself and your pain for awhile.  And I have found that in this brief time I have felt more joy from this than I have felt in a long time.

So, my goal is to "love" those I come in contact with every day.  To believe that God will help me to love those in need.  To give of myself, and therefore in some way God will give back to me what I need.  And in some way, my life will be better, my outlook will be better and my health will be better.  So here's to a journey of giving.  This world could sure use it!

Curveballs

Haven't posted in awhile. Life has been hectic. Marriage has been very strained. Life has been stressful and I've been quite unhappy. I know sometimes life throws you curve balls. But I truly did not see this one coming. So today is Christmas. Usually a happy time, but here it is not.

Boundaries. Ah yes. Those things most children learn and learn to respect in themselves. But, those of us who have been abused do not typically have healthy boundaries. For many, it is a loss of boundaries and the inability to stand up for oneself when needed. I've been there before. I've gotten much better at that. And, I can stand up even to my family. That is new for me.

However, I also have set some pretty strong boundaries sexually. Given my history, this is very confusing. Are these boundaries okay? Can I set my own? What if my spouse disagrees? Questions, questions, questions.

It seems that sex and sexuality will always be a confusing arena for me. In some ways, I just want to shut it off. In other ways, I'm mad that this is still an issue and want to be successful (whatever that means).

So, right now I don't know how the marriage will work out. Seems that after 27 years you would have figured out what you could handle and what you could not. But, here we are. Stress is high, very high. Unhappiness is the theme of the day. Oh that the new year would bring happiness my way again.

Rose-colored glasses

It is said that we don't get to choose our family, but we get to choose our friends. Hmmm. If we finally come to the realization that we were nothing to our family, pawns, tokens, in their lives, then are we still subject to that same notion? I think not. It's a hard realization that someone thinks or thought so little of you that they would not protect you, would not believe you when you said there was something wrong, or even when you said in no uncertain terms what was going on, could not fathom the concept that someone would abuse you?

Personally, I've had rose-colored glasses for many years. I wanted to believe that my family loved me and had they known, would have protected me. How foolish that was. I guess I needed to believe that to survive. But it is different now.

Things have gotten very out of hand and the stresses with family are more extreme. Why? Because I am saying the truth and they are saying "I didn't know" or "I don't remember". My mother is wanting me to be like her, no boundaries, let everyone else determine what happens in your life. Well, NO!

Recently, had a conversation with my mother that was one-sided (mine) and heated, because I had already been betrayed. I said in no uncertain terms that her handling of recent events took me back to childhood where she did not protect me. Her response - How was I to know? HELLO??? Who was the adult in this situation? Not me.

Anyway, I told her to leave me alone for awhile. If she loved me, she would do this. Do not call, give me time. You can write, but that is all. And I left. Hard to do to a woman who is frail because of chemotherapy and years of not taking care of herself. But, I did it. And I doubted myself later. Why? Because moms are supposed to be good, so mine must be, right?

So how did she handle this? She called and left a message on my cell that " maybe we could start over again". What???? Did I not say to leave me alone for awhile? Is this not the ultimate disrespect to me? She will never understand. And I guess I will have to figure out how much I will allow her to influence my life. I can tell you now that that level has decreased significantly.

The reality of the true actions of family during the times of abuse are very hard to handle. My rose-colored glasses have been lost. And it is very sad.

"The road is long
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where
Who knows when
But I'm strong
Strong enough to carry
He ain't heavy, he's my brother

So on we go
His welfare is of my concern
No burden is he to bear
We'll get there
For I know
He would not encumber me
He ain't heavy, he's my brother

If I'm laden at all
I'm laden with sadness
That everyone's heart
Isn't filled with the gladness
Of love for one another

It's a long, long road
From which there is no return
While we're on the way to there
Why not share
And the load
Doesn't weigh me down at all
He ain't heavy, he's my brother

He's my brother
He ain't heavy, he's my brother..."

I remember this song from the 70's. The Hollies sang it and probably other groups too. Think about this my sisters. Because we reach out to each other, because we share the burdens, we can make it through this long and winding road. Just sharing your point of view, your journey, can help others know how to make it. Let's all open up our hearts and find a way to help ours sisters. Some days, we all need help. You aren't a burden. Together we can carry you Sister!

Mother's Day

Is there a way to celebrate Mother's Day for mothers who don't know how to mother. For mother's who continually need attention. Attention that requires too much from you.

For the first time in my life, I yelled at my mother. Well, actually, my spouse would say I raised my voice. But that is a lot for me. Why did I do this? Because she was defending the man in her life over me and my son. Hmmmm.... sound familiar?

She cannot handle the fact that I do not want to interact at all with her boyfriend who has gone against my husband's and my wishes and has attempted to usurp our authority. I will be visiting up north, with the primary goal of visiting family that is closer to normal, and will possibly spend time with my immediate family. My mother is upset because I will not come to her house if her boyfriend is there or go anywhere with him. She is so upset that she is telling everyone one and gaining some sympathy. I can tell because I have actually gotten a letter from my mother's sister telling me to "have it in my CHRISTIAN heart to forgive".

Obviously, neither of them get the picture. Forgiveness is not the issue. Why would I subject myself and my son to someone who only cares about themselves. My mother and her boyfriend both fit that picture. Why would I continue to expose my child to this poison?

Why after all these years, is it not surprising to me that my mother would choose to defend the man in her life. She did not choose to side with me. She chose to believe that my son was a liar and I was obviously crazy for believing that her boyfriend was the problem. When I was a child, she cose to pretend there was not problem and did not protect me. Hmmm...

Well as Bill Engvall would say "Oh, Wake up!" Even though I did not know what it was to be protected by my mother I will protect my own son! That is a guarantee. Even though I did not stand up for myself when I was younger, I will stand up now and say "enough is enough". Screw you family. I will move on and find a way to live my life.

Mother's Day....No, I did not get a call from her on Mother's Day, even though I am a mother too. Well, I didn't talk to her for almost a month. And when I did, I had a lot to say. And she continued to defend her boyfriend. Is there a future for us? I don't think so. But it sure is hard to walk away from an old woman knowing that your acts will cause her much pain. Yes, it is long overdue. But it is still hard.

The Next Part of the Journey

Truth seems to come at us a bit at a time. So, she was more interested in protecting her interests than her daughters. So, what does that mean to me as an adult. Do I keep the wall up...or do I pretend that I need a mom. She sold me out! She knew what was happening at least in part, so what do I owe her? Seems like I think I owe her something because she is my mother. But the truth is, she didn't protect me as a mother does, she did not act like a mother, she expected me to take care of her. So where does that leave us?

She's still around. She still wants attention. She doesn't remember selling me out for the abuser. She just remembers the good side. She loves me. But, do I love her. And if I do, how do I love her?